Narcissism and its consequences

This blog took me over a week to write because I couldn't spell "narcissism." I kept meaning to look it up, but the dictionary was on the shelf and I was on the couch and the shelf was so far away. And I was lazy.

But if you can forgive me for the delay I will begin the blog entry I started writing a week ago.

The first sentence was something about the show House and then an explanation of why I watch the show. (Short answer: I couldn't move or find the remote and it had a marathon every Friday when I first got home from the hospital.)

Anyway, the episode of House that inspired this blog entry was on the television while I was flipping through one day. I hesitated for a moment to see if it was one I had seen, and I caught a snippet of conversation.

It was as follows:

Cutty said something to House, and he said something back and she accused him of something, and he said something to the effect of, "You can't control everything, that makes you a narcissist, because you blame yourself and the only reason you would feel guilt over everything is if you feel like it's your responsibility to control everything."

Or something to that effect. I don't remember exactly; it's been over a week and I wasn't taking notes.

So anyway, I shared this insight with Robin when she returned and she was aghast.

"It took you having a stroke to realize you had Narcissistic Personality Disorder?"

Which is true. People have told me that for years, and I refused to admit it.

Every friend who died, every drink I spilled, every promise I failed to follow through upon, I blamed myself. Even if I wasn't responsible, I would dwell on it and find a way that it was my fault.

So what should have come as a relief, backfired.

What at any other point in my life would have been a life changing revelation, hit me hard at just the wrong time. I am responsible for ruining everyone's life this time. My children are in therapy, my wife is one argument away from a breakdown, and everything IS absolutely my fault. This would be the moment I should blame myself.

I am a burden to my family and everyone around me.

It's sort of like saying "I'm sorry" to many times. It loses its impact.